trouble in the middle earth

havent heard much from the foreign ministry about america lately? wondering what the government is upto? well, i will let you in on a secret. it's no longer the 123 occupying manmohan singh's mind. it's the 300.

what 300?it all began, a not so long long time ago, in a not so far far away land. an immortal line in indian cinema goes - all we need is food clothing and shelter.

since india doesnt have the time to provide shelter to the hundreds of millions who sleep on the pavements( we provide open sky accommodation you see), housing was the first myth to go bust.

our country is so poverished, that we cant even afford decent clothing. anyone who disagrees is welcome to take a look at our hindi movies for the last 5 years.

of course the feminists will argue that it's a representation of repression, exploitation. dear sisters, please note that even the men submit themselves to the rationing of clothes. salman khan was the first to accommodate the producer's request.

why, even the biggest superstar, SRK, could not afford shirts for his home production om shanti om.. poor guy(pun intended) had to go shirtless, singing "dil mein mere hai dard e disco". you see, discos dont allow shirtless guys in, upper class snobs that they are.

back to the topic, with shelter and clothing been dispensed with, what was the one comfort we had? 

FOOD!!!!

for 6 decades, we ate like there was no tomorrow. for decades, our ancestors conducted genetic experiments, to allow us to naturally store more fats and cholesterol than other races.

we were into bio tech way ahead of anyone else you know. any wonder then, the only guy, who can make sense out of the whacked out genetics on heroes, is an indian?

the highest levels of diabetes and heart disease were a small side effect. nothing major at all.

but all this bliss would not last for long.

the wicked west, with it's health obsession, tummy tucks( the sworn enemy of a truly indian cultural product - the prosperous belly) and that evil word - DIET(close your ears!!!)

while we ate heartily, they starved naughtily. till one fine day, the white man decided to eat something for a change. but, rather mysteriously, no food grains could be found.

he looked high, he looked low. but all he could find were empty silos. 

so he said, let me buy some rice. a tonne to a dollar, would be so nice.

so imagine his surprise, when he found, that cheap grain, was no longer around.

in anger, did he look east, where he found the indians, having a feast!!

(i am so proud of myself for that impromptu rhyme. i take a bow, i take a vow)

well, that intelligent, rational and cautious gentleman called george w bush, could not restrain himself any longer..

he burst out- " the increasing appetite of the 300 million indian middle class, is the main cause for the global food crisis."

the manmohan government wont admit it, but it is quaking in it's boots. we all know what happens when you get W mad, dont we.. with the threat of an impending nuclear strike, the left threatened with a nationwide strike.

not to loose hope though. our bright ministers have a few arguments in their favor. 

for one, they will claim that we dont have 300 million middle class indians. we have 100 million rich ones, and the others. if you take away the number of bangladeshi immigrants, non marathi speaking mumbaikars, non gujrati voters, tamil speaking kannadigas, and those pesky NRIs, we only have 50 million others.

secondly, we are all into dieting. indians dont eat much you see. we are a culture that celebrates saving, not craving. our healthy politicians and police authorities are just exceptions to the rule.

plus, a lot of people starve in our country. we are very happy to parade them everytime richard gere and co decide to come here for a cultural experience. we proudly trumpet our poverty, our social failures to foreign bodies. just ask WHO or the world bank.

we dont have any rice for ourselves. from a surplus producer, we have transformed into an  export prohibiting society. in fact we are wondering if you could send RICE (condoleeza) here.

please dont nuke us. we will be happy to be your pawns, in the great south asian game to counter china.

the white house is yet to respond to these admittedly sensible arguements